Interview 6: Generalised Anxiety Disorder
Had you heard the term GAD before getting diagnosed?
Never. I grew up thinking and believing that anxiety was as common a feeling as sadness and happiness, that it wasn’t a disorder and that I was the only ‘weird’ person who went through this feeling of emotional turmoil everyday. I wish I had known, It would have validated my experiences and would have prevented me from doubting myself everyday.
What is anxiety to you?
Anxiety means different things to different people. To some, it means the feeling of constant stress and fatigue and to others it could mean feeling constantly worried about everything going wrong in the world. For me, anxiety is the feeling of numbness, worry and feeling targeted all the time. It makes me feel like I am constantly doing wrong and that people around me are judging me for it. It makes me less than I am and that I am not worth it - and because of these feelings it makes me worried and tensed all the time.
How does anxiety affect your everyday life?
Anxiety disables me from functioning. It doesn’t let me take basic decisions and work towards my goals - because it makes me question and re-question everything I do. It makes me doubt my caliber and my goals and not only psychologically, physically too. I get numb and at times I can’t type, think, act or even talk - anxiety makes me immobile. Many times I have gotten dressed to go out and get somewhere, and at the gate, I have turned back, because I just couldn’t go.
What is the root of your anxiety?
My anxiety comes from a place of a lot of childhood trauma and bullying. In junior school I faced a lot of physical and emotional bullying, which made me feel like I didn’t belong and instilled a constant fear of the world, of school and of institutions.
How did you get over your anxiety?
The first step is always acknowledgement. The minute I was told I had anxiety, everything cleared up. I suddenly found a reason for all my feelings and a name for my constant state of tension. Then I opted for therapy - which is the best decision in the world, for anyone. It’s very important to find the right therapist for you and take corrective action - but going for therapy is essential. Lastly, I made small changes in my life everyday, to heal myself.
Do you find that any of your answers to these questions, have previously impacted your relationships with other people? Could you please give an example?
In many ways. I have taken corrective action and cut off toxic friendships and relationships. I have also taken decisions favoring me - which I never did in the past. This affected the way people saw me and reacted to me.
But in general - my anxiety or at least the acknowledgement of it helped me better my relationships with everyone in general.
Do you find it difficult to sleep or concentrate? According to you,what may be a cause for this?
Yes. I can’t sleep a lot of nights and find it hard to concentrate on my daily tasks because of the constant anxiety.
Sleep became either excessive or absent completely. A lack of sleep affected my energy levels and concentration in my everyday life.
Do you find yourself having diminished interest in activities you used to enjoy? If yes, could you please give an example of such.
Being an extravert I love meeting new people and socialising. However, due to my anxiety, I could not enter social situations, make friends or even think of planning events. This was one of the largest ways in which anxiety affected my everyday life. Moreover, I was not able to pursue group activities like theatre and debating, both activities which I love participating in.
It took years of hard work to get to a place where I felt better - physically and mentally, and felt capable to entering and participating in social engagements again
How did your diagnosis affect people around you?
It’s very difficult to convince everyone around you that GAD is normal and that mental illnesses deserve attention and care. My family, fortunately, was largely receptive - however in small ways they still do not understand the nuances for what I feel and go through - sometimes leading to conflict at home.
I did not necessarily open up to most my friends - I told people closest to me, but opening up to society took a lot of time and courage.
If you knew someone who suffered from GAD, how would you help them?
In every way possible. I would help them contact therapists, share my experiences, talk about their feelings and most importantly - tell them it’ll be okay. The minute you embrace your anxiety - you take ten steps forth , because anxiety then becomes your best friend.