Interview 5: Insomnia
How old were you when you were diagnosed?
I was in my second year of college so 18 I guess, or 19 somewhere there, but it had built up a few years earlier. I think it must have gotten triggered when I was 16 in 11th grade or something.
Do you find it difficult trying to sleep or staying asleep or do you find yourself waking up too early? When do you feel like this and what do you think could be a cause?
All three. And when I have something to do, when I have set my mind to something because basically my mind has forgotten how to say stop. I have forgotten how to press the stop button. So until all the thoughts, all the stuff that I have put in that day is not resolved, that headache doesn’t die down. I can’t fall asleep. And once I have enough energy to start I wake up and get going even though it might not be enough to sustain me through the day, I’ll be up.
Do you consider you have a sleep problem or do you feel like its normal?
I think it’s fine .There’s an optimum amount of sleep -sure and I know it's probably unhealthy to not get that regularly at a stretch everyday but I’m also someone who all my life has not functioned well with strict regiments and routines-a slight amount of here and there and a constant change has actually kept me alive ...So being able to sleep for three hours ,wake up ,go for a run in the biodiversity park ,take some photographs ,come back, sleep for two hours again, then get down to work -it works for me.
Do you find your appetite increases or decreases depending on the amount of sleep you’ve had?
I am a very moody eater. But yes, the quote unquote illness accentuates it. There have been times where for days at a stretch I don’t feel hungry and there are times when I need a meal every two and a half hours. Ya, so it varies significantly. And as does your body’s metabolism.
Were you surprised when you were diagnosed with insomnia?
Any label is scary. You know it’s there. It doesn’t really change anything in a good way or a bad way. I mean you’ve been a mother hen of a bunch of girls in your class all through growing up and suddenly somebody puts a label on you and says that you’re head girl .It feels good but you’re still playing the same role. Same thing. I’ve always been an insomniac it's just that someday someone put a label on it and I’m like okay, I’m a part of that gang now .Okay so let's deal with that now. It's just a label and I try not to see it as more than that.
How do you feel society deals with people with insomnia?
Insomnia they seem to be okay with because everyone suffers with it these days. Everyone is trying to push themselves and get stuff done. And oversleeping is a bad thing apparently .I don’t know when resting became a bad thing ,when wanting to lie in and read a book became a bad thing on a rainy day but it did apparently at some point of time .
Insomnia I think society is quite alright with. They see it at a young age unfortunately as a healthy sign of you being productive and making something of yourself in the world. You’re busy, not realizing the toll its taking on the person on the inside.
How do you think the toll impacts the person’s quality of life?
Horribly. You burn out. I’m thirty one. My classmates from school already have grey or pepper hair. Thirty one - I have friends who are having nervous breakdowns . We are ten to twelve years out of school and we have grey hair. It’s ridiculous. And they are burning out. You call them on a Sunday morning and they are like “uh I’m in office, a tea please “, I’m like dude I have called you on a Sunday morning. It's like wow .You just woke up on a Sunday morning and you’re a lawyer working in a fantastic firm and that’s what you’re living for. It’s a big question you need to ask yourself - where’s that balance between quality of life and what you’re doing with your life and how much can you really achieve and how far can you really go if you are not taking care of yourself. In fact, one of my biggest gripes with education today is that facts aren’t what we need to learn. Google can tell me more than a math textbook can in a week but what we need to be learning is how to take care of ourselves ,how to look out for ourselves, emotionally ,physically. Those are the skills that we need to be taught. How to look out for ourselves in this crazy manic world, where all kinds of stuff is going to be thrown at you.
How do you feel your immediate society views mental health or mental illness?
That depends on what you see as my immediate society, the different circles I move in. It depends on how much they have interacted with it honestly and how evolved slash liberal slash open minded they are or aspire to be but on the whole genuine acceptance is very difficult to come by. I’ve come to a point where I have realised I have maybe three real friends in the world out of like fifteen hundred Facebook friends. I have like three people who really on a bad day get me and be there for me. And sure everybody would do favours and if I call them they would help me out, care, be there. I’m not discrediting them but the ones who really accept your core especially when you have a mental health disorder, it becomes very difficult. And I’m not blaming them. It’s the way they are socialized. It’s the way we are socialized. If you have a special section in school, how often are the kids from the special section invited to your parties. And its not an accusatory statement. It might be just practical - they wont fit in, that they will feel uncomfortable you know but that’s the problem that they will feel uncomfortable. Like post my diagnosis and pre my diagnosis (not insomnia ) my social life underwent a paradigm shift. From three parties a week it went to one in three months and now its nil and the only ones that happen are the people I work with which is difficult, which is heartbreaking at a personal level but more than anything else it is a social commentary on how far we have to go as a society.