Interview 2: Depression

• Do you feel like your mood changes often and unexpectedly?
  
  I wouldn’t necessarily say it changes often, it’s more like for periods of time I live a normal life, where I’m not easily affected by little things. I’m calm, I am me, I have my interests.  But then there are certain triggers, which could be anything - an offhand comment, a song lyric, someone gazing at me too intently, and then it begins. Any reason to look at yourself and just feel bad. Like a house of cards. I feel it coming on, this heavy, black sludge that takes over. I can’t call it sadness. It’s an indescribable ache. I’m screaming inside and all I can do is wait for it to go. Because that is not me. That is not me. It just takes over. Then it passes.

• Do you feel like you want to keep to yourself most of the time? Are you a social person?
  
  I am a naturally reserved person I would say, but I am also weirdly social. Over the years I have grown more reserved, as I’ve become more conscious of myself. As a child I was this boisterous, restless girl who didn’t care much about what people thought. But now I do. In certain aspects.
  
  Because of certain experiences, I have grown more cautious and less trusting of people, which has made me quieter, but has also led me to put on a facade most of the time. I am almost always acting, pretending I am above water when on the inside I feel like I am drowning all the time. It’s a harrowing feeling, but one that I make myself numb to mostly. But facades are breakable. That’s why I try not to let many people too close to me.
  

• How do you perceive yourself? Do you think highly of yourself or not at all? Why?
  
  My immediate answer is that I don’t. How can I, when I am the only person who knows myself so well?  But there is this voice inside that insists that I do respect myself. I do appreciate myself on the good days, otherwise, simply put, I wouldn't continue to live. I try to hold on to that voice.
  
  The thing about living with depression is how it is paradoxically you and not you. It’s so hard to separate. Science says it’s all chemicals and neurons but it is a little hard to accept honestly. My thoughts are my thoughts right? All the good and the bad? But then there are the really bad moments, when I am screaming to make the thoughts stop, the abject negativity to go away. It’s like I am fighting a weight that is continuously pressing on me.
  
  I think it manifests most clearly in interpersonal relationships. When you perceive yourself as unstable, you don’t dare believe you can be happy, and you do believe you make others sad. It is the worst, most vicious cycle. It takes everything to push on, to be more than this.
  

• Are you stressed at home or at work? What stresses you? If you would rate your stress from 1-10 on a daily basis what would you rate it as (10 being high, 1 being low)
  
  I am stressed both at work and at home. IT never leaves. I don’t know if what I am doing is right. I don’t know if I am saying the right things. MY instinct is to withdraw, to recede. To simply not participate in the world.
  

• Have you ever known or heard of anyone that has committed suicide? Why do you think people do this? How do you feel it impacts their family and community?
  
  No I haven’t – not yet. Sorry that sounds so morbid. But it’s the truth. I came close to doing this, very closely a few months ago, which was after trysts with therapy and medication, that makes it even sadder and more frightening. To be fair, work and life was such that I couldn’t follow through in therapy, which is crucial while battling depression. I thought I was doing well, but it just became too much.
  
  I know why people would. When you become so detached from life.  
  

• How do you define the meaning of depression?

  
  It’s like a fog, for me, personally. It sets in – no, actually, it’s always there, dormant within. What is most cruel is how much control it has over you, or how little control you have over it. IT creeps in as and when it chooses to, as a reminder that you are not who you think you are, you are never going to be what you want to be. You are fundamentally these negative thoughts. And it’s a constant refrain in your head.
  

• Do you feel like you are depressed?
  
  To be honest, I have felt like I am ‘depressed’ for a few years now. The lack of conversation and dialogue around this disorder makes those who possibly suffer from this - or from anything close to this - even more unsure, insecure, paranoid about themselves. Why am I feeling so sad all of a sudden? Why am I crying out of the blue? Why am I acting like this? Where is this coming from? And the worst, the most cruel, the most nagging doubt – is it just me? Am i this person? Or is there something wrong with me? Then you resort to Google, ask it the questions you are afraid to raise with people who know you. Check personality tests. Take depression tests online. Match 75% of the boxes, and some more. Be too scared to bring this up with parents. Or friends. Or anyone around. And then, like this, you learn to live with it.
  
  I had to get help when I realised I was self-sabotaging any chance of happiness. I was dysfunctional at work, at home, with friends, with myself. I couldn’t sleep until 4 am, not matter what time I slept. I was tired constantly. I couldn’t eat. I just cried myself to numbness. And pretended to smile outside. The pressure would increase everyday.
  
  

• What do you think causes depression?

  
  I don’t know. I don’t much care about the biology of depression, really. It’s not really anything I can do about, except alter it with medicines, which themselves come at a cost. If I speak from personal experience, I would say it’s a symptom of society. Our world is such that we don’t have time, we’re always rushing, which means things get piled up inside. Suppression as a way of life. Very little space to breathe.
  
  

• How would you feel if a psychologist told you, you suffered from depression?

  
  I consulted a psychiatrist after three years of erratically seeking and not continuing with therapy. It was only when I was officially diagnosed with depression that I realised...nothing much changes. It’s not anything new. It’s like a confirmation...oh. I am depressed. But then my psychiatrist said something to me before I left my session: you are not alone. That is when I felt the most; a break from the numbness I had been experiencing since 3 months.
  
  
  

• If you knew someone who suffered from depression, how would you help them?
  
  Make sure they eat. Help them clean their surroundings. Sit with them. Let them cry. BE there. Don’t leave. Don’t leave. Don’t leave.